Sunday is a B-Word.

Sorry about the lack of post today, guys. Had a lot of things going on so I'll save what I was going to talk about today for tomorrow. I'm glad I've gotten as many views as I have thus far, thanks so much to everyone! I'll see you all tomorrow.

-D.

Starship SuperTroopers

In the year 2626, alien life finally came to Earth... and we were totally cool with it.


Of course, they didn't come here empty-handed. In their tentacley appendages they grasped loads upon loads of SpessRox, a radical new high outlet, mined from asteroids. The drug was generally well-received by us humans, even in spite of the overwhelming fatality rate due to piloting while intoxicated (PWI).


In turn, we swapped weed, coke, all sorts of things with 'em. They gave us technology to pay for it, and now we're cruising! Literally! All the places we never got to see, all the gnarly, big-headed extra-terrestrial party people we never knew existed! We met them all, dude.


But it's not all fun and games... There's still the gal-gal... The Galactic Enforcers... Ugh.






Gnobb Naxius tossed a small, plastic baggy over his shoulder to Spazz Whambasster, in the back seat. Gnobb, Spazz, and a human named Chuck 'Chuckles' Droy, were smooth-sailing in Gnobb's ol' Gravitator X3, completely smashed and screaming Pearl Jam songs into the hazy air of the cockpit.
"Hey," Gnobb shrieked in between verses, "This Earth music stuff ain't half bad!"
Chuck, busy plucking away at an air guitar solo, nodded, "Told you, brah."
"Gnobb! Gnooooooooobb!" whined Spazz from the back, slapping Gnobb's shoulder with a spiny hand, "When are we gonna' listen to my Subspace mix tape?"
Gnobb groaned, the air sack beneath his chin inflating irritably. "Dude, I told you! I hate Substep!"
Chuck whirled, a sneer on his lips as he droned, "Pass me the Rox, dude!"
"You've had enough, brochacho," Gnobb protested, staring intently out the windshield at something in the distance, tucked neatly between two chunks of rocky debris. "Shit. The gal..." He flung his tentacles at the steering wheel, swerving the ship to their left. It was too late.
Whirling blue and red lights erupted behind them, and they all released a collective groan.
Gnobb idled the engine while the group sealed their loose items into storage compartments and threw on their oxygen helmets.
A purple man floated to the driver's side window and rapped on it lightly. Gnobb undid the airlock, sucking the oxygen from the cabin as he rolled down his window.
"License and registration, please," the enforcer prompted as his partner drifted to the passenger side.
Gnobb pointed at the glovebox compartment, and Chuck scrambled to retrieve its contents.
Quickly handing the officer his documents, Gnobb winced, "I-is there something wrong, sir?"
"Nope," replied the enforcer, sneaking a sly wink, unnoticed, to his human partner and grabbing the certification.
"We just wanted to let you boys know that there are a couple a fellas out here posing as Enforcers," stated the human enforcer. "So stay safe and don't trust anyone."
"But... officer? Why should we trust you, then?" stammered Chuck.
The purple man glared at them. "Are we going to have trouble, boy? Cuz I could write you up for failure to cooperate."
"No, that won't be necessary!" cried Gnobb.
The officers drifted back to their cruiser and took off.


Gnobb gave a nervous smile to his friends, and they all shared a laugh. He throttled it, and they were off again. They hadn't gotten two miles before the lights shone again.
"Oh, god they know!" screamed Chuck, quickly throwing his helmet back on.


A rapping on the glass. "License and registration, please."
Gnobb nudged Chuck again, who checked the glovebox. "It's not there!" he cried.
"Tsk, tsk," scolded the purple officer. "Flying without a license. Gonna' have to write you up, big time for that." He scribbled something on a pad and handed it to Gnobb.
"Five thousand nebulons?!" Gnobb yelped. "I can't pay this!"
The purple officer raised an eyebrow. "You know what?" he said after a moment of thought, "officer Cooper and I are feeling pretty generous today. We'll make you a deal. We know you boys are carryin'. How about you hand over all the illegal substances you have, promise you won't do any more tonight, and we'll let you go with a warning. We want you boys flying safe, understood?"
They all scrambled to grab the bags as Gnobb nodded. "Understood, sir. We promise, we won't do it any more!"
The human officer removed a license and registration papers from a pouch and slipped them into the glove box amidst the confusion.
The enforcers took the substances and left. Chuck looked back to the glove box.
"What he hell?"

Disney Princesses Make Great Murderers!

(Photo Courtesy of Rooster Teeth)

This photo is extremely relevant because it sums up what the second half of my first tabletop RPG one-shot was like for me... except I didn't have a gun and I was waaaay less badass. But more on the relevance later.

This one-shot was super-duper fun, essentially we were all mercenaries that had been flung into the real world from the Disney worlds, where our memories of the past were erased and we all went to different spots of the globe, committing (about equally) terrible war-crimes until we were brought back to the Disney worlds five years later, where we discover that Maleficent is generally still a bitch and messin' shit up more than ever. Alright, so we gotta' go kill a dragon-witch-greenladything. But there's only one problem. She can only be killed with a stab through the heart, (and eating of said heart) by a person who has truly, undoubtedly, come to peace with who they are. (Cue Farnsworth.)

"And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage! Rich, tasty courage..."

And here comes the kicker: Each one of us had been a Disney Princess in our past lives. So half of it is a game of guess-who. I was Pochahontas. So I was good with a bow, I guess. Well, in the second half of our journey, we came upon the always-nefarious Dog Fights, led by none other than Gaston himself. (God, he's such a penis.) Well, we stumbled into his boss room (a bar, one of the only places in Disney Land World Dimension Multiverse to actually have alcohol.) I wasn't going to pass up this opportunity. Rather than tackle Gaston head-on in a Biggus-Dickus challenge, like many of my comrades chose, I simply sat down and had a drink. Or two. Or Ten. Witch's Spit, they called it. Much stronger than Moose's Piss, mind you. So my teammates were a fightin', and doin' all the work, really. One of Gaston's minions came over to me and told me something. Well, I was wasted so I couldn't remember what he said. BUT IT WAS OFFENSIVE! So I stabbed him in the eye with an arrow.

Well, stuff got real, real quick like. My friends were lobbin' knives, Gaston was breakin' em in his hand, arrows were a flyin' all over the place! I tried to shoot one, but my hammered consciousness gave me a +4 to all my rolls. Since it was a system with golf rules, I naturally missed. I shrugged it off and had another drink. Well, now the bar was catching on fire, for whatever reason, I can't remember. My teammates had got Gaston to minimum health. He was bleeding out, his throat was cut, his face was on fire, he got audited that day, and he left the oven on at home. My group members scurried around, grabbin' stuff, saving people, you know totally ignoring this blood-gurgling asshole in the middle of the room. My DR (Designated Runner) for the night picked me up and bolted. And just before we were out of the room, I shot one last arrow.

Zing.

Splrch!

Right in the face! Killing blow, bitches! ....hic! That's how I felt. I had made a skill shot, probably firing upside down, on someone's back, a millisecond before we were out the door. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why Mordecai is sitting all proud at the top of this post. Because he was a drunken sniper.

Colors of the Wind, foolz.

-D.

Stupid, but Clever..

(Photo from Cartoon Network's The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy)

The title and picture that accompany this post are a blatant reference to Hoss Delgado from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy. Much like the Australian Vampire-Koala Bears, this segment is all about things that I think are stupid, but clever. To clarify, it's about things I initially thought were stupid, but then came to either enjoy somewhat or have a better appreciation for. So, let's kick this list off, shall we?

1. Dubstep

Do not wub me to the wall just yet, my friends. When I was first introduced to dubstep, I hated it. I thought, "How can a bunch of pulses of pure noise possibly entertain me?" Every time a friend or fellow student would start going on about the latest dub to the wub-wub, I would roll my eyes and groan. But then something really weird happened. I watched things... other things, with Dubstep interwoven into them. (the Hero's Duty bug hunt scene from Wreck-It Ralph and/or the first gameplay trailers to Halo 4). I will never be Dubstep's #1 fan, or anything like that, and I don't much care for it on its own, but I enjoyed the fast-paced, adrenaline-pumping tempo it added to crazy CG scenes.

2. Alcohol

It was in Mexico. It was legal. I'd kept a safe distance from alcohol all through high school. See, my mind had this idea that the second I tasted alcohol, I'd vomit, or I'd become one of those stories you'd see on A&E. But while the fam was gettin' our party on in Mexico, the drinks were free at our resort and I decided to "just taste". And it wasn't that bad. It was fruity, though, so... that was to be expected. I didn't get insta-junkied, or anything, and the only problem with taste was a really poorly mixed Tequila Sunrise. I don't much care for cough syrup, I don't know about you. Not addicted, or anything. The first thing on my mind when I wake up isn't alcohol. It was just fun to do something different.

3. Writing

Oh, my god. Why hadn't I started this sooner than I did? I was an avid reader up until high school, then I kind of dropped off, but I had a college reading level in the fifth grade, and I've pretty well retained that, if not improved, 'til now. And since I loved reading, and I wanted to make some super-special-stuff, it was only natural that I should write something. But the worst is when people say they don't like to write. Listen. You don't ave ta write goodly to liek ta rit. Do you like to talk? Then you like to write. What I'm doin' here, isn't any different than how I talk. Just in letter form.

4. League of Legends

Ugh... Don't wanna' talk about this one...

5. Doctor Who

Stay your whippings, people! This is the part where I became a hipster asshole. "I don't get why this is so popular! I dislike it because it's popular!" etc, etc. I haven't developed Whokemia yet, but it's not half bad.

And, lastly......

6. Blogging

'Nuff said.

Now, I know you guys've experienced somethin' like that, so give me the gritz n' gravy of it! Let's hear some unexpected ones!

-D. 

A Large Pizza with Extra Brains

(Photo Courtesy of www.optipess.com)

HvZ (Humans vs Zombies) started up on my university's campus today, and it's an event that I hadn't tried before, so I thought what the hell, I'd give it a shot. I wasn't really wanting to play, actually. But the second I stepped outside of the safe building, oh my god. Nobody was after me, of course but all of a sudden it felt stupidly real. Giving every ambush point a wide berth so I wouldn't get nommed on the way to my car.

Because, if you think about it, these people are more dangerous than yer average zombie. Because they're still people. They can use judgment. And common sense.

So my friends and I had joked earlier about zombies ordering pizza as the perfect trap. But I got to thinking- there could be so many more trollish ways to get those tasty brains. Of course, it'd all have to be at the start of the outbreak, before anybody really knew what the hell was going on, but maybe a dude telling you to sign for a package, or a zombie moaning, "Uuuublisherrrrs Cleeeeeearing Ouuuuuuse." I don't know about you, but I'm stupid enough to fall for that if I really wanted the check. Have your friend come pick you up for the game and enjoy a to-go snack. So many possibilities!

What about you? Give me your zaniest ideas. I'm hungriest for the really clever ones!

-D.

The Souls Have Never Been Darker. The Controllers Have Never Been More Broken.

                                                (Photo Courtesy of www.funnyjunk.com)

So Dark Souls II hit the shelves for console today, and I can honestly say I've never been more bummed to miss a game release. I've never played Demon's Souls, but I ran through Dark Souls to the point of borderline insanity. For real. I'd fall asleep and dream about the wall textures in the Undead Burg. I'd never played a game so violently dark and difficult, and it was honestly refreshing to delve into depths unknown. From my first few deaths in the New Londo Ruins, (before I figured out that I was quite possibly retarded for thinking that invincible ghosts would inhabit the first area) to the final, 30 minute showdown with Gwyn, rotating around a rock with Zweihander + 15, because I didn't have the reflexes to have a parry-down, I was completely hooked. I had also never raged so much in my life. The Bed of Chaos almost cost me a controller and plasma television.

But behind all the gruelingly irate moments, I was engaged. It took incredible focus, which my parent's just didn't understand. ("Why didn't you answer the phone?"   "Woman, I was about to be speared off a goddamn ledge, what more you want from me?")

And it gave me a quality that stayed with me since, and it's actually something I'm glad about. Which brings me to the point:

Videogames can be helpful to society... they just often tend not to be. Dark Souls made me solve problems. It made me so damn irate when I didn't understand how to fix something that I couldn't put it down until I had made it ten times better than it was.

Perseverance is the heart and Soul (ahem...) of the Souls games, and, in my case, it showed. So for all the raging, the obsessiveness, and complete disregard for the happiness of my parental units, Dark Souls left me with something that made me better as a person.

Hey, thanks From Software!!


What about you? Do you have a fancy fond memory of the Souls series?
What about videogames in general? Have they left you anything positive?
I'd love to hear some stories!

-D.

Welcome to my blog, yo.

Welcome, esteemed reader.


Welcome to my humble bloggin' abode. The name's D. Logan. I am currently a freshman in college, lookin' to jump into the literary world.
And that's where the Land Shark blog comes in. Over the next few months, you guys'll get some sweet seats and peaks into what I'm doing with my novel, and also just some general stuff about Life, the Universe, and.... The Sum of Creation. Dodged that reference like a pro.


It'll be a fun, incredibly stupid journey and there's sure to be more surprises for those who stick around.


"If you'll all look under your seats, you'll see... a nuclear program! Except you, Korea!" -Oprama


Some info about me:


All my life, I wanted to make something unique and special and detrimental to the health of 90% of the worlds population... wait... not that last one. But I always wanted to create something well, creative. Had an early love of writing--when I wasn't being chased by an emotionally confused brother with a bat, I'd play the ever-popular Pretend : Imagination's Battlefield. Not only that, but in every scenario, I played the voice of every character, and I forced them (me) to go over their (my) lines until they (I) got them exactly right, cadence and all.


The material I'm trying to shove down the public's throat is mostly Sci-Fi, sometimes has a bit of Horror or Fantasy mixed in, but Sci-Fi nonetheless. (I was heavily influenced by video games such as, but not limited to: Spyro the Dragon, Crash Bandicoot, Gex, Earthworm Jim, any Legacy of Kain titles, and Halo.)


Please enjoy your visits.