To My Grandfather: I Am Afraid

(This was me at the Strategic Air Museum in 2002, on our road trip to Mall of America)

This is a poem I wrote three days ago, really out of restlessness; I often find myself seeking guidance I know I won't find, and perhaps it's just silly, but it helps ease my mind sometimes, knowing that I at least tried.

To my grandfather, my dad's dad; wherever you may be

Thank you for using your last days to come and visit me

I was too small to remember, but my parents didn't forget

And I'm sure if I recalled, you'd be the best man I've met

And I wonder what you think of me, when you look upon this soil

You, the man who helped build an empire for Mobil Oil

I bet you watch me waste my life on useless activities

When I should be using my hands to make the things that part the seas

They tell me I have talent, but what good does that do me?

When I'm too lazy to use it, to live successfully

I hope wherever you are, you've forgiven the past I left

The one which I still struggle with, and probably will until my death

Grandfather, I am afraid, but not of what you might think

I'm terrified of time; I hate myself whenever I blink

I fear it worse than loneliness, fear it worse than my own end

Just how long, I wonder, will I continue to pretend?

Because no matter how you look at it, time is running out

I see it in the earth, the trees, and lakes, without a doubt

And I'm still sitting here. Wasting my whole life.

While it's carving away at me, like a rusty metal knife.

It chips and tears and breaks and makes the world seem a different place

Because there's nothing we can ever do that time will not erase.

It is the absolute, yet the most mysterious force

It's completely automatic, and for death it's even a source

And I continue to ignore this looming, blatant fact

Simply because I don't force myself to have a will to act

I sit here and I fester, as we all do each day

And what will I have to show for my time, when my time's all gone away?

Time brings with it the unknown, and of this, I'm also afraid

This may be the source of some of my Sloth, and a reason I am delayed

Perhaps I fear rejection, that's why I won't write my book?

Am I scared it too will fester without so much as a single look?

Dear grandfather, I beg of you; if there's anything you can do,

Please find a way to help me be successful just like you.

Dear grandfather, my dad's dad; wherever you may be

How fast does time seem to go for you, when you have eternity?

I'll see you next time,

-Dakota